Marriage Counseling
by Kyuubi's Angel of Darkness
Summary: When Sakura entered the counsling office, stupid hair obsessed husband in tow, she hadn't expected to see her ANBU captain and all of his sexy Uchiha glory. How Itachi managed to look as desireable as chocolate in a string bikini, she would never know. Crackish fic because they are o so fun!


**Hellooooooooooooooooooooo. Yes I know I should be working on Bring Your Pet to Work Day, or the newly rewritten Untitled, really I shouldn't be writing at all and study for my midterms but I couldn't resist! This popped into my head and after writing it, I couldn't help but post it! So please forgive me for being a naughty author, I promise to eventually update my chapter stories. Also yes Itachi will be OOC in this but hell, he's fun to write like that. And yes this is crackish. Also I wasn't to terribly sure if this was M or not so I put it as M to be safe. If it's not M, fantastic, I can write a story without dragging to many sexual implications in it.**

**Disclaimer: _AHAHAHAHAHA! I wouldn't have to write about fake fantasies of itasaku if I owned Naruto. However, Satoshi is mine._  
**

* * *

Uchiha Itachi sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as he read the message delivered to him by the messenger hawk.

It seemed he was scheduled for a marriage counseling session with a newly wed couple. He would have to reschedule lunch with his mother then.

How anyone in the village thought it was a good idea to turn the man who could cause 72 hours of psychological torture in a matter of three seconds, into a part time counselor that actually _helps_ people; would be forever beyond him. Maybe they thought everyone would be too afraid of him to disobey any order he gave, some people did become rather smart-assy in a counseling session.

Well speaking of newly weds, he still needed to find the cute little pink haired medic of his ANBU team a wedding gift... Too bad she was now taken or he would have just wrapped a red bow around his neck and called it a day. A shame really, he was so sure they could have had a lovely relationship.

Or sex, that would work to. But alas, she had gotten sucked into clan politics and forcibly married off. Itachi felt her pain, but luckily he hadn't been thrust into the bed of some squealing fan-girl which is what he was sure had happened to Sakura. Well, fan-boy in her case... hopefully.

Civilian family clan affairs were much more strict than he had given them credit for.

Itachi checked his watch, having lost track of time in his musings. Ten minutes until he had to be in his office to gather information on his new couple. Figuring a walk would be relaxing, he started off towards the hospital where his office was set up. Hopefully on his way he would see Sakura.

* * *

Itachi sighed as he reached his office, he hadn't seen his feisty medic at all on his way. This turned his mood sour. He sipped on some coffee in an attempt to cheer himself up. As he was sipping on his coffee he opened up the manilla folder that contained information on the clients given to him by the receptionist.

He had read all of four words before his coffee disagreed with him and tried to strangle him.

Because Uchiha Itachi doesn't choke on coffee, coffee chokes on him.

The reason for his coffee 'disagreement'? Just two names sitting innocently on the forms. Those names being Hatsuhana Satoshi and _HARUNO FREAKING SAKURA!_

Okay well there wasn't really a 'freaking' in the middle of her name.

Now why on earth was the pink haired vixen being sent to marriage counseling? She was usually kind and gentle, even if she was unwillingly forced into marriage. He really couldn't imagine the sweet girl causing enough problems to be sent here.

His mind unconsciously retrieved a memory of Sakura beating the ever living _SHIT_ out of Genma after finding out that he had spied on her best friend, Ino, in the bath house. Ino hadn't minded but Sakura had been livid. She was very protective of the blonde. Poor Genma hadn't been able to see or walk straight for a week.

So maybe she wasn't so gentle. He hoped that the shinobi she had been married off to could handle her fists of doom, chakra scalpels and short temper that matched the Godaime herself.

He continued reading the information provided.

Hatsuhana Satoshi:

Status- civilian.

Oh Kami-sama, _someone_ have mercy on that poor man's soul.

* * *

By now Itachi had read through the profiles and was trying to decide on the best method of approach. The story was that Sakura was angry about being forced into marriage and wanted out. However since she was barely seventeen and still technically a minor from a civilian standpoint, her parents had control over who and when she married because she came from a dominantly civilian clan. The hokage had tried to bail her out by sending her on a yearlong mission to Wind until she was legal in her clan but the parents had found out and refused Sakura permission to leave. Tsunade's hands had been tied then. Even though Sakura was a soldier of the hokage, her clan had first rights to her until she was eighteen.

At this point, Itachi's best bet was to point out this Satoshi character's good qualities and have Sakura deal with him until she was of age. Then on her eighteenth birthday, Itachi himself would happily dance to her apartment with divorce papers in one hand, and a congratulatory card in the other. As would every other single male shinobi in Konoha... He would just have to take care of them on the way.

With this full-proof plan in mind, Itachi smirked and reclined in his chair to wait for his clients.

* * *

Sakura happily guided her new husband to the marriage counseling class they were to attend. 'Guided' being a loosely used term. More like she happily dragged the poor civilian through the dirt and sharp rocks on her merry way to the hospital.

Poor Satoshi, he was a nice enough guy but she really didn't want to get married quite yet, much less to a civilian. Plus, the man had this weird fetish with her _hair_. It was fucking creepy. He was always trying to touch it, or play with it, or even stroke it! There was one time she caught him taking the hair off her hairbrush and _smelling_ it before putting it into a _locket_ around his _neck_!

The thought alone was enough to send shivers down the spine of a hardened shinobi like herself.

That was like, Orochimaru creepy. And that in itself was quite a feat considering the man stalked young boys before saying he wanted to 'use their bodies.' Creepy gay snake man probably just wanted to touch himself in someone else's body.

Anyways, Sakura snapped out of her 'torturing a snake' related thoughts as she came upon the door that marked the entrance to her class. Enclosing Satoshi's wrist in a disturbingly tight grip, a silent warning that said '_touch my hair and I will feed you to acid spitting slugs_', she opened the door and marched right into the office. She didn't bother in reading the nameplate of the side of the door some poor soul had spent agonizing hours engraving. Had she, she might have reconsidered this meeting.

* * *

When Sakura marched through the door, her long pink pony-tail swishing side to side behind her and Satoshi in tow, she hadn't expected to see her ANBU Captain and all of his sexy Uchiha glory smirking at her and waiting behind a desk. How Itachi managed to look as desirable as chocolate in a string bikini would be forever beyond her. Especially since only his head and part of his upper torso were visible.

Damn, she knew she should have worn a shorter skirt today.

Sakura shook her head, now was not the time to get distracted! It was time to introduce her grand master plan: 'OPERATION MAKE SATOSHI DIVORCE ME!' was a go.

"Taichou." She called coyly.

_Step 1: Act somewhat interested in other men._

His smirk turned even sexier (WHICH SHOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE!) and his eyes took on a delicious looking glimmer. Sakura liked to call that glimmer "_I'm checking you out with my bedroom eyes but your to busy being inferior to me and melting into goo to notice my sexy display of emotions._"

Yeah, the name totally fit.

"Haruno-san." Sakura could have sworn he had freaking purred her name and she had to consciously make an effort to suppress the shivers that clawed up her spine.

Being totally oblivious to the sexual tension hanging in the air, Satoshi stated a hello and guided his wife to one of the chairs across from Itachi's desk.

* * *

At Sakura's coy greeting, Itachi knew it was going to be a _long_ session. This woman could do _things_ to his body just by looking at him. Had he been a lesser man, he would have jumped her bones the second she walked in, legalities and husbands be damned.

He watched as Satoshi guided Sakura to a chair and sat down next to her. He didn't miss Satoshi leaning in, _smelling_ her hair and then _stroking _it before relaxing back in his chair.

Creepy.

However, he also didn't miss Sakura's low, feral growl, eye twitch, and then the destruction of his chair as she ripped the armrest off in warning. Satoshi didn't seem to understand the obvious warning that screamed "_bitch I will cuuuuuuuut you_" though, and reached over to pat Sakura's head.

Itachi quickly intervened before his office was soaked in blood. "So Hatsuhana-san, would you care to explain why you and Sakura are here?" He began in a smooth tenor.

Obviously disliking the use of his wife's first name in such a familiar way, Satoshi sized up Itachi. He studied him for a good minute, as if trying to decide if he could take the guy.

Idiot.

After his examination he replied with, "Sakura-chan's mother decided it would be good for us since Sakura-chan still isn't comfortable with being married and all."

Itachi stifled a smirk as he saw Sakura twitch at the repeated use of 'chan'. He leaned back in his plush office chair and clasped his hands together.

"Alright, that's about what I assumed. To start off this session, were going to be doing a simple exercise to get to know your partner better." Sakura subtly snorted at this. Itachi smirked and continued, "You will be given a sheet of paper and you must write down one piece of information you think your spouse doesn't know about you. A picture must be included to convey your feelings."

He distributed paper and pens and gave them five minutes. The trick was one of the simplest in the book and also the most successful. With any luck, Satoshi would say something sweet and moving that would make Sakura tolerate him.

When the five minutes were up, he collected the papers to read aloud. His eyes bulged out at Sakura's paper and he used every single bit of will power he possessed to keep himself from laughing. Obviously he had underestimated her desperate wanting to get out of this relationship. Taking pity on Satoshi he read his aloud first.

"Sakura, Satoshi wants you to know he has always loved you since he laid eyes on you in your clan compound eight years ago." Itachi nearly gagged but showed the picture Satoshi drew. It had a small stick person spying on another stick person while hiding behind a wall. Small hearts littered the paper.

Itachi was sure the same thought echoed through his and Sakura's mind. _Creepy_.

Sakura smirked as Itachi picked her drawing up.

Itachi cleared his throat. "Satoshi, um, Sakura wants you to know that she fucked your mom last night." He smothered his laugh by some divine miracle and turned the paper over to display a rather _graphic_ stick person scene_._

_Step 2: fuck his mom... Or at least imply that you did._

Satoshi's jaw dropped while Sakura nudged him. "She's quite the screamer Satoshi-kun. I think we woke half the neighbors."

* * *

After Satoshi had collected himself, Itachi tried to continue with the session. The key word being tried.

How in the holy hell was Itachi suppossed to concentrate when Sakura kept unbuttoning her damn shirt? Hot in the room his ass! He knew that she was aware of the things she could do to him. And this little vixen wasn't just playing with fire, she was fucking juggling it. Itachi felt it safe to think that he had the patience and control of Jesus.

"So, Satoshi. Tell me how you think your sexual relationship is benifitting your marriage right now."

He recieved no answer, Itachi percieved that as a non-existant relationship.

"Sakura?"

"Which sexual relationship Itachi-_kun_?" She purred out the suffix.

Oh this woman would be the death of him.

"Nevermind then."

* * *

_Step 3: imply that you have a harem._

As if the session couldn't get any wierder, Uzumaki Naruto decided to burst into Itachi's office yelling at the top of his lungs like the special little shinobi he is.

"Sakura-chan! Me and Teme want to know if we're still on for tonight!" He screamed while Sasuke thwaked him over the head.

"Teme and _I_ dobe."

"Like hell I'll put you first in _my_ sentance Teme!"

At the sight of the two rather attractive men asking if they and his wife were 'still on for the night', Satoshi closed his eyes and prayed that it wasn't he thought it was.

"Of course Naruto-kun! Let me check with Satoshi-kun's mother, you know she always has the first dibbs on me. Hopefully I won't be to tired after her!"

Naruto and Sasuke had no idea what the hell that was supposed to mean so they just nodded their pretty little heads and hoped their teammate hadn't finally lost it. Satoshi on the other hand looked ready to cry.

* * *

_Step 4: seduce your taichou _

Itachi watched the clock tick slowly. He gritted his teeth, ten more minutes then he would be out of the nightmare that tested the limits of his sanity. Hopefully he could last until then but with Sakura's _distracting_ prescence, that seemed an impossible feat.

Sakura moaned softly and stretched. Her arms rose above her head and her shirt was pressed rather tightly against her chest. Itachi twitched like a crack addicted squirrel. The pink haired girl lowered her arms, crossed her legs and watched with satisfaction as Itachi's obsidian eyes followed the rising movement of her skirt. Completely ignoring Satoshi, she purred out in a low, husky voice.

"How can sit in that chair for such long periods of time taichou? Don't you ever get _bored_? After a long day though, I can totaly understand how hard it is to find a _release-_"

That was as far as she got before Sakura found herself half-tackled with her back pressed against the wall across the room. She smirked in victory as Itachi sucked and nipped violently on the juncture of her neck and his long fingers found their way below her skirt. She twined her fingers in his silky hair, moaned and rolled her hips against his. Itachi hissed and held her firmly in place with his free hand.

She _knew_ he was the dominanter type.

She hoped Satoshi knew how to take a hint, she would really hate to scar the poor man for life. The click of a door closing told her he wasn't as stupid as she made him out to be.

"The divorce papers are in my top left drawer next to the engagment ring. Now would you like to have sex now or after the wedding?" Itachi mumbled against her breast.

"Do you think I'm an idiot or something?" Sakura grunted

Itachi smirked. "Good answer."

She retailited by slipping her fingers below the waistband of his jonnin pants.

Poor Satoshi went home and cried for a very long time that night.

* * *

**Lol the end! Hope you all enjoyed! I promise to update relatively soon and yes I do have a couple new projects coming out soon. (Hopefully.)**

**review guys! It lets me know you love me! :)**


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